Burgundy and Black

It has been a while since I've written a post, my mind is flooded with what I would like to write, what God has shown me and life lessons He has taught me.
But , all those things will have to wait for a while...recently a friend and I were talking and I was asked what my favorite colors were. I sat there dumbfounded...and said I didn't know....

I didn't know.

Can you imagine sitting there are not knowing what your favorite colors are?? Shouldn't that roll off your tongue without a thought? What is even more weird about this whole situation was as I relayed the conversation to another really close friend, she said to me " Burgundy and Black. Your favorite colors are Burgundy and Black" I started to cry..I was realizing how unattached and numb I have become to my own life. And that really saddened me and yet encouraged me to think about my life up to this point.

How often had things come up in my life that I shoved to the back of my mind and told myself I would think about or deal with later? And then later becomes weeks..months..and years.

Now- I am not saying we need to stop what we are doing and become self absorbed and forget what is going on around us by no means. But too often we don't consider ourselves and the next thing you know we don't even know what our favorite colors are.  We don't live the life God has given us because we are so busy being everything to everyone else that we are not who God wants us to be.

I am reminded of past posts...we are pulled off the side of the road watching others, we stay in our people pleasing ways, we take on the weight of the world and think we need to be the problem solvers for all those around us... we stay in one place and watch the world spin around us...

Today is the last day of 2011. Like most people, I have in my mind all my resolutions: weight loss, get in shape, be more organized... But, I'm adding to my list: To not put off what God has created me to be. Which means having boundaries when I need to, the ability to say no and the biggest thing on my list is realizing God's grace and mercy are for me.

So dear blog friends...This coming year, find out who God created you to be.  This year, find out your strengths and how you can use them to glorify God.... God, who loves you, who never leaves you, who knows everything about you and still loves you.  This year know who you are in Christ and know without a shadow of a doubt that you are one of His. Take time to think about what you like and by all means, remember what your favorite colors are...God Bless..<><

Assumptions...

Assumptions, we all make them, we all judge others by outward appearances, facial expressions and words miss spoken...

I am going through a real tough spot in my life and received a letter from a woman full of assumptions..I read it and became sad, cried and then became angry and cried even more... But then something happened.. I realized how many times in a day, week and month I assume the worst in people. How many times I think I know why they did what they did, said what they said and of course the pride wells up in my mind that says "I would never do or say what they did.."

"Nobody knows what we are for only what we are against when we judge the wounded.."

 These words stick in my mind.  I realized the letter I got was from someone who is wounded and feels hurt by my actions, I realized that when wounded the cries of our hearts come to the surface whether we want them to or not. I realized that me striking back makes matters worse not better.  So I drop my sword that is sharp with cutting words and more assumptions and my inward desire to prove my points and my reasoning for my actions. I lay it down and look up, thankful for God's grace and mercy and realize dropping the sword and not retaliating takes more strength than assuming... That dropping the stones and turning away instead of casting them at others is the better choice. That really the only thing that matters is what God thinks of me, though hard right now..it's gonna be okay...

Tender Adjustments

Too good and too true not to repost....

Tender Adjustments by Patsy Clairmont

Have you ever seen a cashew in its shell? Me neither. It turns out that a cashew has caustic oil between the nut’s inner and outer shells. To rid this delectable treat of its acerbic element, the outer shell is burned or roasted off, and then the nut is boiled or roasted again to remove the inner shell.
Life’s hardships often feel as though someone has turned up the heat on us, and we wonder if we’ll survive. Yet I find when I’ve been “roasted” long enough in life’s difficulties, my outer casing of bad attitudes, preconceived notions, and high-mindedness is burned off. I’m left meeker, less defensive, more pliable, and less caustic.
Jesus died for every “nut” in the land . . . even the hardest one. And for that, I’m particularly grateful

Facing MY Giants

Those who know me, know that I get pumped and totally inspired when it comes to sports.  I like watching movies like We are Marshall, Remember the Titans, Facing the Giants,Invincible, The Blind Side and the list goes on... I enjoy watching the Olympics and hearing how specific athletes have persevered through trials to get where they are now. And of course, got to watch my Bulls, Bears and Cubs!

The movie that I have gotten a lot out of though is Facing the Giants.  An inspirational movie that shows not only how a high school football team deals with facing their Giants-another football team but their personal giants...the things in their life that hang over them and stop them from doing their best, giving their best and being their best.

The other night when I couldn't sleep I was flipping through the channels and found this movie on and it happened to be at my favorite scene ( which, I am posting at the end of my blog ) I started to think about what my giants were and what I need to do to face them.

On a side note...I have to say, I have been totally blessed with a handful  of friends who know me..I mean really know me.  They know my struggles, fears and the things that intimidate me and call me out on it all the time.  I love these women!  They have helped to bring to the surface the things in my life I need to deal with and have done so with words filled with love and grace.

A word picture that totally describes what these women have done for me is the heating process to purify gold.  Gold is heated to boiling temperatures to allow all the impurities to come to the surface and be skimmed off.  This is done several times till a person can see their reflection in the melted gold.
These women have gotten me to my boiling point many times..but only for my good.. to skim off the top all the things that do not need to be in my life anymore.

So why bring this up?  Cause they are helping me in facing my giants. They are helping me to realize, as we all need to sooner or later, that the giants really are not as big as we think they are, and no matter our size we can defeat them.

It is hard sometimes to be totally honest in this blog, I know many have read it but don't know who.  Some live in Alaska, some here in La Crosse...but there are still 50 plus people who I have no clue who they are! But I guess part of facing my giants is admitting that I have them and maybe what I am going through can help someone else. And I can be a little bit of light in their darkness.....

So  here it goes...I have major fears of letting people down.  I'm a first born perfectionist (which is a whole other blog posting to come!) and fear not being perfect at my job,raising my girls and being organized. And though a very superficial statement...I am very insecure in my looks... so all this culminated in my life brings me face to face with a giant.  A giant that seems to rear its ugly head constantly in my life and in many day to day situations.

Now let me say, I know the truth.  I know I will let people down. I know I am not perfect. But the problem is knowing it in my head is not knowing it in my heart.  The difference between wisdom and knowledge. Knowledge is good but it needs to be applied to ones life. That's wisdom. And that is what I need to work on, applying what I know...

I wish I could say that I have faced my giants they are all defeated and I am stronger because of it.  But unfortunately that hasn't happened.  However, I have made some great strides. I've realized that I just need to do my best and do my best for me not others.  I also realized that to some extent I need to have blinders on and can't look at what others are doing or have done but stay the course I'm on. I  have learned to except compliments on the job I do with a simple thank you and not think how I don't deserve such a compliment because I could have done much better. I've realized too, that I don't want to change who I am to get accepted by others, I want to change because for too long I've been living my life for others..... I have to do my best, be my best and give my best daily and I won't  walk around with a defeated attitude.

Facing my giants will be a fight, but I think I'm finally ready for it. Will I fall and fail sometimes?  yes.  Will I be strong and succeed sometimes? yes..but in the end, the impurities will be skimmed off and the reflection I see will be one that has been worth the fight and worth facing my giants and defeating them....

I will do anything, except......

Stuffed Green Peppers...Mmmmm, how I love them!  One of my favorite comfort foods.

Last week I made them and put them in the crock pot.  But, I set the temp on high not low and though not totally burnt by the time I got home...there was quite a bit stuck to the sides that I couldn't get off. 

As with any dish that is rather difficult to clean, I filled it with hot soapy water and let it soak. But I forgot about it that night and the next morning wrote a note to my girls to do the dishes and some other chores and went  off to work.  When I came home the crock pot was still sitting there full of water.. No one touched it. This happened two more days in a row, note was written with daily chores, always at the top was do the dishes and every evening when I came home..the dish filled with water was still sitting there.

Now any other week I would have made a fuss and had it done but this was a rather busy week for me..A wedding to plan, three weddings to prepare for, a schedule to get done, school clothes to buy...

So it sat there till today....

Now, most of you women are making faces, you know what a stinky mess I had on my hands..and yes you are right...I wasn't pleased and hurriedly cleaned it to avoid the stench and mess. But as I cleaned the dish I was thinking about all the things we avoid, all the things we would rather do than something else. All the times we say and think we would do anything but there is always an exception.. Now as a mom, my list of things I would never do gets shorter and shorter..when I realized that taking care of another human being is going to and does stretch me. 

Don't get me wrong, there are still many things I try to avoid or put off till the last moment, like sorting and folding socks ( seems useless and never ending), pulling weeds ( I really hate dirt under my nails), dusting ( it's seems like it comes back the next day), and putting gas in my car ( especially in the winter!)  but usually with a heavy sigh I roll up my sleeves and do the thing I really don't want to...

And it made me think ... what if Jesus had said He would do anything except die for my sins...He would give sight to the blind and heal the leper, He would provide food for the multitudes and calm the storms but..He wouldn't do the one thing, the one thing I needed most to die for my sins and give me eternal life....I can't fathom it, I can't even begin to think what my life would be like...Without His grace and mercy, without His forgiveness...Without Him period....

So Lord, thank you. Thank you for your willingness to do anything, to have no exceptions. To be yet again, a great example for me and help me to persevere....even if it is sorting and folding socks.. =)



Whatever!

"During the day I have to deliberately scrutinize my thoughts, because I can entertain unworthy musings. I need to work at upgrading my thoughts, because they inspire actions, they spill out lips, and they affect or infect my beliefs about myself and others" Patsy Clairmont

I often had times in my day where I think "I must have ADD...this can't be normal  to be thinking about one thing and then..BAM!..A new thought comes smashing in"  And the thoughts can be totally at opposite ends of the spectrum! One minute I can be thinking about the timeline of an upcoming wedding and then my mind is wondering if a friend could have coffee...or wondering if I missed the Kohls sale where I saw that cute pair of shoe..or...hmmm...what was I thinking? Exactly! The thought totally disappears! reminds me of the saying " If you have a thought, set it free, if it comes back good!  If it doesn't it  wasn't yours to begin with!"

Sometimes my thoughts are encouraging and powerful...plans and actions to make things better in my life, my kids life or work. Positive and uplifting thoughts for and about others...But sometimes my thoughts are discouraging and destructive...they make me think ill of others, or make me think others think ill of me...Negative and depressing thoughts that cause me to think I'm nothing good...

I have realized I need to say Whatever!  Not in a negative sense of blowing it off and believing what I think is real..cause lets face it...half the time we are so far from the mark in our thinking..But when I say whatever..I am reminding myself of Phillipians 4:8 which reminds of what I am to think about...

"Finally, brethern, WHATEVER is true, WHATEVER is honorable, WHATEVER is right, WHATEVER is pure, WHATEVER is lovely, WHATEVER is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

 I'm going through a tough time in my life right now and my mind is flooded with so many things, I've also realized how powerful our mind can be and turn a bad situation into something totally worse than it will ever be.  So more than ever I need to think on the right things. However, with that said I also know the importance of really working through why I might me thinking on what I am, so jotting things down and finding time later in the day to work through thoughts has been very important to me...BUT the biggest thing, the most precious thing ..has been reminding myself.."Kelly you are not alone, God will sift my thoughts through His mighty hands and help me work  through these"

So the next time those thoughts come flooding through and I know they will!  I will say with much authority and the attitude of a 15 year old "WHATEVER"! I will fight the desire to take my thoughts to a level they shouldn't go and let God take them where they should be...

And you don't even have a minute to think...

I love weddings. Everything about them, probably a good thing since I'm a wedding planner!  Love the creativity I see in each bride as she tells what design, color or decor will make her day uniquely hers. Love the excitement in the eyes of the bride and groom as they talk of their special day.  Love the organizational end as I lay out the plans and see it all come together, love the smile and happiness I see on their faces....

I also love movies about weddings!  Go figure! 

To name a few..."The Wedding Planner", "Bride Wars", "27 Dresses", "The Wedding Date",  "My Best Friends Wedding" and my list could not be complete with out " My Big Fat Greek Wedding" that movie makes me laugh time and time again!

One of the lines in the movie that sticks out to me is when the main character is trying to explain her Greek family to her date. She talks of being chased around with a lamb eyeball by her Aunt, Her father and his brothers eating the lambs brains, but the line I am referring to is when she talks abut her 27 first cousins and all being in each others business and "not even having a minute to think."

I get this.  I get the fact that sometimes I have demands on my life, people needing and wanting things and feeling like I don't even have time to think.  I get the stress this brings and the inability to breathe  because there is so much to do. I get the overwhelming feeling of knowing I'm forgetting some important task due to the fact I can not think past the fires in front of me that need to be put out. I get it all....but there is something else I get sometimes I don't want to think.  The pain it can bring, the frustration, the tears..sometimes thinking brings out fears and added stress that frankly, I don't  want to deal with.

Life isn't always fun and games. and, as I have said in earlier posts, I'm trying to figure out who I am.  In all the busyness of life I've felt like I've lost my identity...I don't mean this to sound selfish or inward focused as if I don't care about what is going on around me..but some where I've forgotten that it is ok to take time for myself, to do something for me...somewhere I stopped thinking and just doing....go through the motions of my day, doing everything for everyone and forgetting who I am, my likes and dislikes, having meaningful conversations, being creative and carving out my little part of the world that says this is uniquely Kelly....

I think that is why I admire the brides I work with.  They are taking that time to think about their special day and making it theirs.  They have that smile that says even though everything may not be going smoothly, its still gonna be great. They have focus and drive to have things done in a way that says something about them and their groom.  They are putting their stamp on the world by taking a minute to think...

 Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real..and that has been the only thinking...let me rephrase that...that has been the only stinkin' thinkin' I've been doing.  I have not thought about any goals I may have, the good I've done, the blessings I have. I've shut the door on dreaming and for some reason not allowed myself that freedom to look beyond the negative things in my life and think any good could come from it. I've allowed lies to seep in and take over.

I need to take a lesson from the brides I work with, I need to realize, though its tough right now in my life, it will work out. I need to get my focus and drive back. I need to smile. I need to put my stamp on my little corner of the world and make it uniquely mine.

I need to take my minute to think. I need to realize it will take time and my life and problems won't be fixed in a day...But none the less, I can take some time right now to think...And I think I will...

Did I think that out loud??

Today was a wonderful day...I was blessed to have lunch and catch up with an old friend. 

We were talking about what was going on in our lives, things we are working on and things we want to change.. Out of curiosity...( and the fact there are some friends you can ask or say ANYTHING to)  I asked her a personal question, she answered and then with a look of complete and utter shock said
" Did I say that out loud?"

It got me thinking about how freeing it is to say things out loud, even if there is no one around to hear.  And most likely, it is best sometimes that there isn't!  Sometimes we can be so locked up in our minds and out thought patterns that to say it out loud and hear ourselves say it brings on a wave of different emotions..peace, laughter, embarrassment, anger...

I came across this tweet this afternoon from Patsy Clairmont "God knows our secrets...and He's not put off. He offers us living water." ( quote from Marilyn Meberg)

It reminded me that though we like to think no one knows our thoughts, the truth is God does. The Sovereign God of the universe knows our every thought, good and bad and it doesn't surprise Him! His unconditional love, unmerited grace and mercy take over on those times we can't believe what we think or say. He knows our humanness.  He knows our weaknesses.  And yet, with all that said loves us with an everlasting love...

What a thought to wrap our minds around...I am in awe at His love for me...And THAT I love to think out loud....

Under Construction

Earlier this week my daughter had surgery and had to spend the night in the hospital.  There is a lot of construction going on there and her room happened to face the area.... 

 I sat there watching the work while my daughter slept.  The thought running through my mind was "they are busy doing nothing" I saw them walking with supplies and driving from here to there, cranes lifting supplies from one spot to another...but nothing looked liked it changed....

That is kind of how I feel about my life sometimes, especially right now.  I want things changed, I want to be done with what I am going through...but yet everything takes time.... 

The expected date to finish the construction at the hospital is 2013..I can imagine those doing the construction and those who work in the hospital can't wait or sometimes think it will never be done!

I know that feeling...impatience builds up in me and I fight the desire to cry and scream and run ahead of the process..

 As I watched them the next morning continue with the project I realized that in order for the building to be done, the strong, sturdy foundation needed to be built.  I realized that it needed to be safe and secure, it needed to be checked continually and to make sure there were no weak spots that could cause the foundation to fall before it could be built upon....

And I started to think about my life and what I am going through and realized that though I can't see the changes I am changing.  I am getting stronger and more secure in who I am.  The weaknesses are being dealt with..not always fun, but I am figuring out what I need to do to change. That in reality, it isn't going slow and before I know it the things I am going through will be dealt with..

I'm just under construction right now...

Be Who You Are...

Read this and had to repost....

There is no one else in the whole wide world like you. I’m sure you have heard that before, but I wonder if you understand how true it is and how precious you are to God. We are not always treasured on this earth. Our relationships with our parents or friends or spouses can lead us to believe that we may be unique, but that it’s not a good thing. So often we are encouraged to blend in, don’t rock the boat, don’t be different, but I say, rock that boat, and be who you are. . . .
When you hold back who you really are, we all miss out. So whether you are a pet nut like me or a wordsmith like Patsy Clairmont, whether you like high heels or flip-flops, be who you really are. You have a voice and a style that is all your own. It has been given to you by God so that through you, a unique picture of our Father is seen.  by Sheila Walsh

Don't let anyone put their monkey on your back.

"Hi, my name is Kelly and I'm a people pleaser." A statement that isn't easy to make.

You see people pleasers tend to be magnets for those looking for someone to carry their problems, work load and issues.  They tend to be the ones who feel guilty for no reason because they some how think that the world's problems are their fault. They are the ones who think it is on their shoulders to make all those around them happy and content. I mean I'm sure that somehow I'm connected to someone in the senate and the national debt is somehow because of me! 

Well, okay, maybe not that far but the reality is, there are tons and tons of imaginary and real issues that I feel I need to handle and take reponsibility for. But...I've grown weary in handling the crisis of the world, I've decided that every ones happiness is not up to me. I don't need to carry anyone else's work loads, problems, burdens or drama. But coming to that realization and making changes are not easy.

This is not something I just realized either.  Years of  the cycle of struggle, breakthrough, struggle , breakthrough have occurred. But recently a friend said  something to me that really made me stop  and think...Well not really stop..I would have been rear ended at 50 miles  an hour...But mentally I came to a complete halt.

I was telling her of a situation where I was struggling with my reaction.  I was trying to be civil  and kind but it seemed no matter what I did it wasn't enough, the other person wanted more than I could give and was not happy.... My friend said " Why is it up  to you to make this person happy?"  I didn't know what to say.  I mean the reality is, it isn't up to me..but  like always I some how thought it was....

It made me think of a number of years ago when I was confronted with the fact I was a people pleaser by a wonderful Pastor / Friend.  He had  watched me over and over take on the problems of  relatives and friends and become more and more full of anxiety and sadness.  He looked me in the eye and said " Don't let anyone put their monkey on your back." In other words have boundaries and don't feel bad that you do.

I've remembered this time and time again as I've struggled to rid myself of the monkeys of others that I have allowed to be put on me. I'm slowly learning that boundaries are good and taking time for me is a must. And there is no reason for feelings of guilt when I do something for me.

Guilt can be overpowering for those who are trying to become reformed people pleasers. It is such a battle in our mind. I've found that when the times come where I am feeling like everything is on me that there are several things I can do....I can pray, I can call a friend, I can say out loud " I will not take on their monkey!" ( with much authority too as I force my imaginary sword in the air and tackle the imaginary army on my white horse of course...) And I can remember it is a battle...it won't be won in a day, two days, or probably two months...there will be times where it won't be a struggle at all and then there will be times when it is a constant in my day to day life.

But those are the times when I know I am not alone and the battle is the Lord's...

Which way...?

"Excuse me, Can you tell me which way I should go?" 

"You see I have been rather confused lately, do I choose the way well meaning people would desire me to go or do I choose the way that seems best for me? "

I've found from past experience that the way of well meaning people can be full of backed up traffic, road rage, pot holes, wrong ways and construction. Everything that cause stress and makes one wish they had gone in a different direction or never started out on this journey to begin with.  Or do I choose the way I think is best though it to, is full  of all the same things  plus a bunch of "I told you so's" and "I told you this would happen" when I run into problems and struggles?

Lately I've felt like I am at a crossroads with my life in decisions to make.  My heart says to go one way and yet I struggle so much with the pressure of life and what is expected of me and that is the other direction. So I have pulled off to the side of the road and watch the others pass me by, all seeming to know where they are going, all looking confident in their decisions..while I stare at the map and wonder...which way should I go?

BUT..this is the great part...I am not alone in this! I have been blessed with a God who loves me and helps  me and gives me strength and direction!  But also blessed with friends who help me along the way....

Last month I was in Chicago for a conference, on the way out of town, I ran into road construction, closed streets and backed up traffic.  I ended up getting turned around and lost...I had to pull off to the side to call a dear friend and ask for help, she got me headed in the right direction. But then I got lost again, but you know what ? She was STILL there for me!  And she said I should call  again if I needed help....what a blessing and a  reminder, I have a Father in Heaven who is always there to guide me, strengthen me and give me direction...and He has blessed me with dear friends willing to do the same....

So which way should I go?  The way I feel lead. Because that way is lined with grace, mercy and love...that way is lined with hands willing to help me up, that way is lined with unconditional love...Yes it is lined with trials and struggles and pain too...but no other way is lined with words of a loving God  and friends telling me to keep calling when I need help and direction and reminding me they will always be there for me...

Never

Never...It doesn't mean sometimes, once in a while, occasionally..No, Never is an absoulute that something isn't going to come to pass.  God says He will never leave me or forake me.  I've been hearing teaching that never is not absoulute, that in a sense......though the God of the Universe, the Creator has said never, there are reasons He will leave me. If that were the case, I could never trust His word and what it says. I could never know what in His word I could believe and what I couldn't.

I am not perfect and have done things in my life I am not proud of..daily I sin..daily I am frustrated with the thoughts that go through my mind..I strive daily to do His will and to make Him happy.....try to watch my tongue, give my flesh over to Him...but I fail.....but failing and realizing I do has brought me to a place of knowing that without Him I would be much worse because as I said in my last post, knowing He is with me has probably kept me from slipping much more than I already do.

The biggest truth I have been realizing is that He is with me and doesn't leave me..people may decide that they can't talk to me because of decisions I make or things I have done..but when I need God the most He is there not turning His back on me.  Oh the awesome feeling of understanding and feeling unconditonal love that NEVER leaves...

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn’t even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn’t ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me
Mountain of God, lyrics by Third Day

So Far Away...

God, you seem so far away.  But in reality it isn't you it's me. I've pulled away thinking you have no interest in me and my problems and my struggles.

There is a song that says "I may be out of God's will, but never out of His care." I know this is the truth. When I look at the last few weeks, I realize how you have kept me from slipping. You have protected me from making worse decisions and having worse consequences to my actions.

There are people out there who would want me to believe that when I sin, You turn your back on me completely. And I think in some way I have been believing those lies.  But then You have saved me from myself in so many ways the last few weeks I know that it is like a adult walking along side a child and keeping them from falling and really hurting themselves, pulling them up by the arm when they start to slip... You don't leave me...You want me to feel close to you, You want that relationship strong again. You understand that I need to sort through these thoughts..learn what is right and what is wrong..  You have put in my path strong loving friends to help me and keep me safe..You have given me Your word that reminds me that no one or no thing can take me away from You....You love me..A love I have longed for all my life is right there in front of me...Thank you Lord.

Something I needed to hear...

God created me, all that I am, He made...  My strengths, My weaknesses, My gifts, My abilities.  ALL of it He made.  Then why do I think that who I am is not good enough?  Why do I feel I need to be something different than I am.  Why do I have this desire to be accepted by everyone but the One who matters most? 

Recently a dear friend was struggling in her profession because she was sure a customer she had to work closely with didn't like her.  My answer to her was "She doesn't define who you are. Don't give her that power." People do not define us, but for some reason we allow them too. We are also really good at giving advice but not following it ourselves..We give people too much power in our lives.Wait. Let me rephrase that...I give people too much power in my life.  The only One who can mold me, should mold me is Jesus Christ Himself.   I need to go back to His word and really read verses on who I am in Christ and What He thinks of me.  I need to allow the flood gates of Grace and Mercy to wash over me and fill my mind with Christ.

Questions

Lately I have had a lot of questions about who I am. I wish I could step outside myself, look at my life and figure it out.  Sometimes I think an outside perspective would do me a lot of good.

I have not been happy lately  ...feel like there is someone , the real me, wanting to come out but not allowing that person to because I think she will be rejected...

You see, life is full of demands and expectations. It has been that way for as long as I can remember.  And I fear how many people I will let down if they really knew me...I just face each day and try to meet every ones expectations of me...